With special thanks to Eleanor Jackson & Pip Smith

When was Pebblecrete invented?
On what day was it patented?
When was it first installed?
Today as Scramjets scream overhead,
someone will hold their cochlear implant high in the air
to hear it even louder.
Someone else will sample the sound on their Fairlight with all 24kHz available
so they’ll hear everyone sharing powerboards,
filling their glasses from goon sacks hanging from Hills Hoists,
hating on their favourite New Zealand actors,
hating on the left, or hating on the white,
while waving Polymer banknotes with Vegemite-stained fingertips.
Many will accept that the Hottest 100 is filled with mostly 90s-style retro electronica, and be totally cool with that
or secretly know they should have voted for Call Me Maybe, because blimey
it’s a catchy song.

When was Pebblecrete invented?
Today someone will be photographed with a Frazier lens
while emptying their bowels
into a dual flush toilet.
Some will argue over the rights of refugees,
accept arranged marriages,
nod politely when told a non-racist story
about the woman who works at the bakery,
and try to ignore the imitation of her accent.
Some will eat lamb if they so desire
but fully acknowledge that it is not the lamb itself that is Australian,
nor is the requirement to eat it, to eat meat,
or to prefer it over something else.
Someone will begin preparing for Chinese New Year.
Someone will be honest and say,
“I think Lamingtons are essentially boring cakes.”
Someone will be attacked by a great white shark,
and maybe it won’t be such a big deal,
because that’s just the risk you take.

When was Pebblecrete invented?
Today someone will be overseas
dancing to Swedish industrial slow-core jazz.
Someone will be explaining that they don’t always eat Yum Cha.
Someone will sniff petrol and wonder if anyone else thinks it kind of smells like warm bread, or if that just means they’re addicted.
Someone will start a book they won’t finish,
say they’ve read a book when really they’ve only seen the movie,
say they’ve seen the movie when really they haven’t even heard of it,
not see the movie no matter how many tigers are supposed to be in it,
Someone will see the movie and really like it.

Why today?
On January 26 they had already been on land for three days.
On January 26 they named New South Wales,
Alienating Victoria, alienating Western Australia,
and all those other places too,
from what should be a National Holiday.
January 26 just happens to be Day 1 of slaughter,
and when that dude from The Whitlams committed suicide.
Surely there’s a better date.
Or just a different one.
Someone just has to say… “Okay, next year? February 2nd.”
And that would be that.

When we all die, they’ll find our black box
and hear us celebrating on the stupidest date.
And they’ll ask, on what day was Pebblecrete invented?
Why didn’t they celebrate that?

– Scott Sandwich


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