A Clear Cut Narrative About Two Bears Named Hyde & Zeke

Hyde and Zeke, two bears sitting
In a little zoo enclosure and that’s okay
Because nobody cares, what happens to bears
Except the bears, named Hyde and Zeke

Hyde says: “Hey” and Zeke says “Yo”
Hyde says “Roar” and Zeke says “No”
Hyde says “Watch this”, jumps in the mud
Zeke’s on her period so there’s a whole lot of blood

“Look at these conditions,” Zeke says to Hyde
“I was much happier when I was outside”
“No you weren’t” – “yes I was” – “no you weren’t” – “yes I was”
“I remember it now, I ate a whole lot of bugs”

Zeke says “Think about what we have at out paws”
“The dental care’s a joke, just look at my molars.”
Hyde says “Yeah, but they feed us here”
Zeke says “No pizza” and Hyde says “I guess you’re correct”

Hyde asks Zeke: “Is this what life has come to now?”
“Yes it has” – “No it hasn’t” – “Yes it has” – “Okay, so
I say we should do something else
We should get wasted”

Hyde and Zeke pump heroin into their veins
Hyde calls the zookeepers as Zeke ODs again
Zookeepers save her life, Hyde is behind them
Beats them all up, and eats their testicles

Then they take their keys and dress like the keepers
The keepers are now naked in a bear enclosure
And none of them have testicles because Zeke ate them
Then the keepers get mauled by a previously unmentioned bear

Two bears on the loose, what do they do?
They go to the park where they eat a child
Hiding in the playground eating little pink things
They learn to hate children cause they’re always screaming

This is no life for a wild animal
City parks and grizzlies are almost incompatible
It’s impractical, impassable, octagonal, unflappable
Implacable, intractable, irrational risk capital

So they have to get jobs but unemployment is high
Without any money, how will Hyde and Zeke get by?
Maybe they’ll act like normal bears
And eat berries, or whatever

Now they’ve entered the real world
They taste pizza for the first time
Hyde invests his money in big companies
Zeke starts a charity foundation for cleft palette deformities

Hyde spends his money on hookers and beer
And they’re nice and cold, I mean the beer not the hookers
But he gets an STD because he didn’t check his partners
And now he’s dead so Zeke is all alone

Zeke blames Hyde’s death on human incongruence
With their intention to help but in actual fact hurting stuff
Like seriously, what’s with keeping bears in captivity?
Especially Hyde and Zeke who must be magic or something

Couldn’t they tell? They were talking the whole time.
I mean, they’re freaking bears.
Maybe it’s because those kinds of things only happen in films
But this is no film. This is real life.
Anyway, that’s the end of the Zeke and Hyde story.
Yeah.

 

Epilogue

It’s 20 years later and Zeke has grown older
And she’s been using her charity work as a cover for cybernetic research
And the technology to bring bears back to life
But mostly they’re about cybernetics

So his crack team of scientists, called the Super Librarians,
Discover a flower that grows in Siberia
That when brewed into a tea during a half crescent moon
Acts as a healing agent for bears. Not humans.

So the Super Librarians get into their blimp
(By the way, I forgot to mention that they have a branded blimp)
And they go to Siberia to find the magic flower
But they accidentally get the wrong one

They blimp back home and brew the tea and it’s delicious
And they wipe it on the wounds of the body of Hyde
But it’s been 20 years and the body’s decomposing
And the tea doesn’t heal him, it just multiplies molecules

Multiplies the corpse a hundred and fifty times
Now they’ve got a whole bunch of dead bears
They blimp back and get the correct flower this time which they brew into a tea
And it brings Hyde back to life, as well as the hundred and fifty corpses

But now there’s a buttload of zombie magic grizzlies
And they terrorise the world and the kill more babies
So Zeke has to become a zombie mutant grizzly hunter
And tractors down all the zombie Hyde hordes

Disguised as a nun, she hunts the zombies down and she kills them
In a courageous display of blood and gore that’s just too gruesome to describe
(Sorry)

She lathers herself in the intestines of the dead
But she doesn’t turn into a zombie like you’d predict
Because that kind of stuff only happens in movies
And this is real life

And now we’ve come to the final battle, between Hyde and Zeke
But the combined deaths of zombies has made this last Hyde powerful
Kind of like in Highlander but with way better graphics
And besides, this is with grizzly bears so that’s totally dope

Zeke looks into Hyde’s dead yet powerful eyes
And there’s still a soul in there, if only she could find
A way to bring it back out she could save herself from killing her oldest friend
But she can’t and then they both kill each other in a pathetic anticlimax

And the credits roll because they turn this poem into a film
And the credits roll because they turn this poem into a film
And the credits roll because they turn this poem into a film

– Scott Sandwich

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