I Want Lies With That

I can’t believe it.

I went to McDonald’s yesterday and ordered a vanilla thickshake (A vanilla thickshake you hear me, “Gerald”?)

Except there was obviously still some chocolate mix hanging out of the thickshake machine

And I could taste it immediately.

Right there, while still sitting in drive through, I promised the world that I would never visit McDonald’s again.

I swore on the graves of everybody I held dear that McDonald’s would take no more of my money

Pigs would fly, then the sky would fall, and hell would sooner freeze over

I’d trade my left nut, have sex with a deceased Rosie O’Donnell, and rape a god-damned nun

It was a vow, and I would stand by it, until the day I die.

And wouldn’t you know it, they did it to me again today!

– Scott Sandwich


My boycott would then define me.

Brave Tom, they would call me

As they delivered crate after crate of dodo-scented Moët et Chandon directly up my nostrils

And a slave would wipe my butt with the previously mentioned nun’s bad habit.


Or pure.


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