Scott Sandwich: Coming Soon (In 3D)!

Have you noticed yet that so far the only 3D films to have any originality or depth, while are enjoyed by all ages, have primarily been aimed at a younger age group?

I’ll tell you why, whether you ask me or not. And my explanation will require generalising about age groups.

It’s because children can see through that 3rd bullshit dimension. They need something different and original underneath it – not just $2 glasses. The 3rd dimension is just a gimmick to them.

You know why that 3rd dimension is there? So that anyone over the age of 15 can look at the pretty colours in crystal clear vision – because somehow we feel all kids movies are the same. It seems we’ve been convinced that an extra visual dimension means the movie is better as a whole… but I know we’re not so simple minded to think that the screen resolution defines a good film, the cover makes a good book, or that the higher the sample bit rate the better the song. There have been a few close calls, is all I’m saying and I’m starting to worry.

Now, having said that, I am the first one to see a shitty action flick, and colourful talking animals may not be high on my priorities, but when I put my expectations and age vanity aside I am never disappointed.

In short, Avatar and Clash Of The Titans were both poorly written piles of snot, filled with cliches, copy and pasting, and stereotypes – if they weren’t in 3D, they would be creatively outsold by the next Fast and/or Furious sequel, and that’s saying something. Meanwhile, Up and Coraline were both freaking awesome; clever, funny, sweet, filled with action, and had points where the characters’ decisions affected the outcome of the plot.

So then I wrote the following rant (which is just like this one, but it’s angrier and flows better) with the intention to record (… in surround sound)…

Blockbusters: Now In 3D!

You see, to me, 3D means real
It means authentic
So true you believe it
That third dimension means it’s reaching out to pull me in

But these days it seems that to make room for that third dimension they have to remove reality
They have to cut out what is deemed less than important
Because apparently that third dimension is what we’re there to see, so we may as well take out the founding basics of making a movie

Give me a plot that makes sense
A character whose decision is quite important, and when it’s made consequently changes things
Give someone a motivation other than throwing spears towards the camera
Give the plot a cohesive whole
Because even if the world looks real, if the adults inside it are all acting like they’re nine and if they’re just fulfilling clichés I don’t need my mind

I freaking dare you, dear blockbuster directors and producers, to release something in 3D
But with that extra million dollars you’re going to spend, making that 953rd individual snowflake cascade just perfectly onto the shimmering hair of our lead player?
Spend it instead on someone who writes
Someone who doesn’t just regurgitate comic books or risk copyrights
Someone who would otherwise be going unpublished, take a risk on someone less established
Someone who takes a red pen and says “that’s actually pretty lame” and rewrites their third draft until it says something fresh

And you know what? While we’re at it, get them to write something new
Because right now we’re just slapping titles on the unrelated and calling it part two
We’re remaking remakes
Adding a third dimension to redrawing a classic animation
And apparently just changing accents can replace a translation
We’re copying and pasting descriptions from books into our blue screen generators which in turn piece together the most logical of landscapes
And in post we’ll colour in wrinkles and call it a prequel

No, I’m sorry, their character arc has finished
Their wounds have healed and my interest has diminished
I know that they die, or in the end they choose friendship
Or they made the obvious decision to leave a dystopia for their own personal ‘what if…?’
But a prequel about that scar on their back? A story of them walking from A to B, where B is the premise of the original film on sale on the rack just below, which was only made not 3 years ago? Hell, I was wearing the same underwear to both session shows, and I just so happened to share the same seat, and now it’s costing me twenty bucks to watch it again in 3D

But 3D makes money to give permission for the world to go round
Which is why I bring you this rant in freaking surround sound
Because it’s like I’m actually talking to you in a room
Perhaps, the room that I’m in, rather than what you’re in
It’ll be in 5.1, 7.2, 22.463
I don’t care if I don’t use that second sub because the image and idea is crystal clear to me

– Scott Sandwich


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